I. Love. Fall.

What I DON'T love isssss.... being sick. Feeling a wee bit alone in the demographic of "19 and engaged" at school.

So this weekend was awesome. Thursday night, I went out to dinner with the GSO. :D Yay. Good times. Friday night was the All-Nighter, where the GSO put on Live Action Mario Party. ^_^ More awesome. Saturday night was Rocky Horror, took Chuck as a Virgin. Half the audience were Virgins! Wtf.

Then Sunday, Chuck took us on a dinner cruise (pics on FB) and we nearly got stranded in Baltimore. Missed the last lightrail out, but Jake came and got us. :D Yay.

And now Justin and I are both sick. Buu.

I had a shook up experience earlier today. Totally stupid, I know. But we were in German, at a Study Abroad workshop (we have to go to one every semester you're in a German class). And we had to write pros and cons of studying abroad. Well, I thought, one of the cons that is certainly important to me is significant others. So I said that. Two of the girls in my group - I like both of them, I'm friends with them in class - were like, "You're not going to Germany because of a boy?" "That should be a reason TO go! For the cute guys!" And I said, "Well, I'm kind of effing engaged...!" and they both said, "So?"

Soooo I didn't say anything then... but spent the next half hour or so quietly seething over that sentence... "Because of a BOY?" ... If I had said "my husband", would it have made a difference? Would it have carried more weight? Just because most people my age don't commit, and that's fine for them, doesn't mean they should be able to judge me for doing so. For not wanting to leave an entire half of my life for 3 months or a year. Augh. Wtf.

And you know what, I get this attitude from a lot of people. The last time I considered going, my own mother, if I recall correctly, told me I shouldn't let my relationship with Justin hold me back from "the experience" of going to Germany through the school. The experience of spending a few more thousand dollars to be in a foreign place without my friends? ...Yes I want to go but if I REALLY wanted to go, I'd fucking do it. I'm a German minor, not a major. I've got hard as fuck computer science and math courses to take and pass, not literature, composition and culture courses. Not that it matters... you need a 3.0 GPA to be eligible for even a Winter or Summer trip. Which I don't have (Thanks, Calc II! Love you for that!).

So I called Sara and ranted to her about it for a while... and I felt better. Thank you, Sara. <3 Anyway, I'll go back to being sick now, and having a terrible headache, and trying to do my homework. ... Augh.

I have a large window.
It's open. A beautiful, bitter breeze caresses my hair.
The curtains pulled to the side, I'm watching the leaves fall.
I'm curled up with a blanket on the couch, sipping a cup of hot mocha coffee.

The smell of the coffee mixes with the smell of burning leaves.
Normally I'd have the TV on, watching something, but this is a moment for silence.

For peace.

A small chill runs up my back. I pull the blanket closer to my body.
It's so warm! It feels so good. I smile wide, and take another sip.

This is a beautiful day, and it's a day I will treasure.
I will long for this day to come back throughout the rest of the year.
When I get stressed and upset and things are just too much to handle,

I will think about this moment.

I don't even want a girlfriend, per se. I don't even want a girl to explicitly HAVE SEX with.

I want a girl, like that girl from high school who you were so damn close to that you just laid in each others arms and laps and held hands before you even touched sexually. That you said "I love you!" to, and meant it, before the physical was even an issue.

I want that intimacy, that platonic intimacy that allows two girls to be so comfortable with each other that they can let their skin touch and enjoy the feeling of being against one another, simply because it feels good, because you know the other person knows that it feels good too. And for some reason, with many women, you have to be blatant - "I like girls too. No, really. Like, in a lesbian way. Seriously. I like girls, too." "I like YOU." It's almost as if you just have to kiss them to show them what you mean. But then... when they know what you mean - that you like sex with girls and fall in love with them - that asking for something as innocent and platonic as this middle ground of physical intimacy might scare them off. As if it's all the way or not at all.

And on the topic of wanting this and not having it, and sadly lamenting over such a fact to the person who gives the most support, I feel bad about doing so. I can talk about how much I wanna sex up a girl, or how hot it is to be with a girl in a sexual sense, and he gets all riled up, wants to hear more, details of my fantasies, details of what I'd do, she'd do, what I'd feel, and that's all fine and good for our sexual purposes and pleasures. But come time to talk about how much I want a platonic, emotional intimacy with another woman?

That's where he knows he can't be supportive except to timidly say, "You have me...! " And this is true. ...And I love you, and I love your kind of physical, emotional intimacy. It's warm, safe, soft, secure, comfortable... all of those things that a woman's embrace is, but... different. I want a different flavor of ice cream tonight, and you know when you get that craving for something... it takes a long time to go away. That curve of a woman's sides and breasts - even just to admire - how soft every inch of her can be, legs, chest, arms, without worrying about body hair itching.


Sigh. I miss having a "best friend"...